So, im kinda drunk/ hung over and coming down from a bunch of other shit. This would be called a crash… There is so much im fed up with it’s unbelievable. My weekend in Springfield has been amazing mostly. I missed a lot of my friends and have hung out with people I haven’t been with in a long time. I’ve been to a few parties, wal-mart, ghost / explored, tried to go to a strip club at 4pm, some things I cant mention and yeah. It’s been exciting and I miss being down here with my friends and stuff. I’m going to probably sing a lease in the next week or whatever for a place to live. It’s ok, it’s almost downtown and it’s super cheap. Oh and the manager parties with everyone who lives there so it will be a definite party place. We’re also making a custom beer pong table and other stuff I cant recall. So all fun stuff aside this has also been a pretty shitty weekend. Some shit went down a few weeks ago and I’ve felt betrayed and just pissed off. I guess it shook me up a lot more than I thought it would. I mean I saw it coming was pretty obvious. It still hurt a lot, I always hate when people who are my really good friends just decide to fuck me over in the worst way that they can, this shit has happened with multiple friends of mine so I guess im a pro at it? Hell the rest of the shit im thinking about I shouldn’t even write but they drugs are telling me yes. I miss you, there I said it. Come to think of it idk if I could say it.. I can write it? Idk I have no clue what happened and how we ended up here, it was a blur to me I guess. I really could handle you totality fucking me out of a place to live, for ur gain? Idk but that’s not what made me mad, or hurt, or whatever. It feels like a slap in my face that when i asked u a few weeks back if u believed in me and thought I could pay everything off and get my life back and you said yes. That made me feel a lot better and I started getting my act straight and saved more money than I had been and then u go find someone else to live with cuaz u didn’t think I would be here. So one u lied to me and two u stabbed me in the back. Im not sure why ur word mattered to much to me but thinking u thought I could do it made me feel better about it? Idk y I cared what u think, I don’t care what most people think. I miss watching indie movies, listening to music, getting coffee and have intelligent conversations, and how u could just make me smile for no fucking reason?? Well that’s all another void I have to fill.. haha most the voids people have left in my life have never been filled but I’ll put these at the top of the list.
After I got over the initial anger of the situation I wanted to call u but I always stopped myself, multiple times. Just try to push it to the back of my mind. I’m also bitter about the whole thing I suppose. Like yesterday after I got here u called liz and wanted to come to dinner with us. I sat there thinking that I wanted to see u and work everything out but then I just kept playing the same words over and over in my head and that was make u feel as bad as I do. That’s why I didn’t want u to come. I wanted u to hurt like I do every fucking day. Knowing that you have lost a friend that u cared about so much and just live with it. Im so fucking miserable at home. I miss my life, it’s not even mine anymore I just here for the ride. I guess I wanted u to be the stability I needed to get me back to reality. That’s not fair to u though just to pull u into all my shit, but then again I don’t care cauz I want u to be sad and alone. It’s such a paradox. Everyday I wake up and think what have I done to drive everyone away from me. I wish I knew what this was all like for u, I just wanted to talk but I guess that’s too much to ask. Maybe im just over analyzing this like everything else in my life. U probably just thought yeah this dude is a weirdo and hes holding me back so im going to make him feel like shit so I can go play sports and fuck bitches and be a bad ass.. The thing I really want is closure. To know what the hell happened and why this happened. This haunts me everyday. There is not a waking hour that goes by that I don’t think about it. I cant live like that anymore. God I cant believe im saying all this. It’s not a position I like to put myself into, u know unbarring ur soul or whatever. I don’t like giving people the power over me that I care about them. Im sure nobody has read all this or the person who most of this is directed too. I wish I could have talked to u tonight but u got super drunk? I mean I cant talk, Ive been snorting speed and smoking/drinking all day. The reason ive been fucked up all day is I was hoping I could talk to u and the drugs would loosen me up and I could be honest like I am now. But my back up plan was if u pissed me off or things didn’t go as I planned. (which they never do) I could get fucked up and forget about all this, which is what I did. Well that’s not all of it but it’s enough to get started with. If you (person who this is directed to) has actually read all this and want to work things out, or miss me, or understand where im coming from now, or just want to talk, or just let me know u care… Call this number and say macaroni, that’s it macaroni and hang up. That should be a good place to start. I know that sounds so ridiculous but im really fucking serious. Call and say it then hang up, then I will have some closure and then maybe we can work things out. Well the ball is in ur court, do as u wish but know that I tried.
(Note: This was written at 4:11 am after a long drug and alcohol binge so im sure I made a fool of myself, but at least I was being honest, I find myself playing a roll everyday and I tired of it, I want to be me again.)
So there isn't much to say, i guess i should get fucked up and right more or i should just keep more of my emotions inside.. what do u think?
The Girl Scout Camp was bad ass!
So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance
(In the distance)
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self-assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back
There'd be no distance that could hold us back
So this is the new year
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