How The Leopard Got Its Spots

So, it's been a while... a long while. Things have been pretty crazy to say the least. Well since my last update i live in springfield again, its nice even though this is a shitty town. Right now i'm at peace with my geographic decision. I'm going back to school (we'll see how that works) and i work like 25 hours a week. I originally moved back to persue my schooling but that hasnt been working as well as i hoped. I mean it's my own fault, if i try harder i could do good but im just skaing by barely. The past three months have turned into a self discovery thing. I've been trying to get myself together and not fall into rutts like i have in the past, it's sorta working. Life has just been scaring me lately. For the frist time in my life im not sure what i want to do with my life.I've been so hell bent on college and planning that i never thought... what if this shit doesnt work out what will i do? Thats the point im at now. I feel like days are going by and i have to make a deciosn right now and i have no clue what to do... very scary. I've been adressing personal issues lately and have been feeling better about things, which is very exciting. Blah

A light at the end of the tunnel

So things might be all falling into place. I have a place to live, my car sorta works ( and i have plates for it), i think im going to school for real, and yeah ive been getting some great new music. I'm going to springfield this weekend to get all the paperwork straightened out and make sure we have power when we move in. I'm really excited to be getting out of saint louis and my moms house. I owe school $1500 still but im paying off a grand next week and if some shit comes though i'll be able to get the other money. I miss my friends there so much and cant wait to be back with people. It's weird i think my highschool friends all stayed the same and i changed. 90% of them dont have jobs and they just sit around their parents houses (or my house) and do nothing, makes me feel good that i can suport myself somewhat.
Well we're moving in the 16th and then having a big ass party the next friday.. my birthday!! ... . ....
It's really nice to have internet now. I've been finding alot of new different music. When i have the time i might upload a mix or something.. word..


Pics from TFA and gateway middle school

Welcome to the Slums

Every year summer is always different. There are different places, peorple and things every year. It's like going back to college in the fall, things are always very different from the year before. This summer has been interesting, ive been hanging out with people from highschool, people from college, and people from new jersey and north carolina!!! So the summer thus far has consisted of:

• Went to arizona
• Got wasted in the desert mutiple times
• Met an old friend i met on aol like in 1999, we went to ikea in tempe lol
• Went to two ghoast towns
  
• Discovered the best indie college radio station FM 90 in Amarillo Tx (and it does stream)
  
• Stl had a big flood Winfield kinda got swept away
• Scott and I have been owning bitches at halo hahaha like last night when we played for like 5 hours and then went to white castle.. good times
• Lost a lot of brain cells

Yeah more stuff happened but i can't remeber... seriously thats kinda bad isnt it.

Well i have a lot more to say but im going to a show at the creppy and i have to get ready (gotta love tickets on the house) But here are a bunch of pics i took with my phone that should help me remeber things lol. yikes

Summer thus far

So things have been interesting lately. Everything has been super overwelming but im dealing. Work has been a bitch, im just getting tired of people blaming shit on me i clearly didnt do. There's some problems with my car, i dont think i will be able to buy it because there is like 3 grand in back taxes owed on it. I'm not sure if that will work its self out but it just might. I still might be going to arizona to retreive my friend but there is a whole bunch of problems there. It's going to be super expesive, i cant take my invalid car, my mom is going to come with us? my other friend has no money for rent so i dont know how she expects to pay for her part of the trip. I have no where to put her when she gets her because i dont know if im going to move into that house or not. On a good note i got the apartment i wanted. It's a three bed room townhouse with a basement and all, living with two of the coolest peoples around. I went and saw death cab in como last night that was amazing. Sat in the rain for like 3 hours but it was well worth it. Once again sorry if this makes no sense, im in the middle of a bunch of dancing hippies..... no joke.

Something i might regret??

So there was some stupid drama and i had a lot of anger built up about it and i was fucked up and just wrote. It's just how i felt at the time but now i think its all over. Don't take it the wrong way..

So, im kinda drunk/ hung over and coming down from a bunch of other shit. This would be called a crash… There is so much im fed up with it’s unbelievable. My weekend in Springfield has been amazing mostly. I missed a lot of my friends and have hung out with people I haven’t been with in a long time. I’ve been to a few parties, wal-mart, ghost / explored, tried to go to a strip club at 4pm, some things I cant mention and yeah. It’s been exciting and I miss being down here with my friends and stuff. I’m going to probably sing a lease in the next week or whatever for a place to live. It’s ok, it’s almost downtown and it’s super cheap. Oh and the manager parties with everyone who lives there so it will be a definite party place. We’re also making a custom beer pong table and other stuff I cant recall. So all fun stuff aside this has also been a pretty shitty weekend. Some shit went down a few weeks ago and I’ve felt betrayed and just pissed off. I guess it shook me up a lot more than I thought it would. I mean I saw it coming was pretty obvious. It still hurt a lot, I always hate when people who are my really good friends just decide to fuck me over in the worst way that they can, this shit has happened with multiple friends of mine so I guess im a pro at it? Hell the rest of the shit im thinking about I shouldn’t even write but they drugs are telling me yes. I miss you, there I said it. Come to think of it idk if I could say it.. I can write it? Idk I have no clue what happened and how we ended up here, it was a blur to me I guess. I really could handle you totality fucking me out of a place to live, for ur gain? Idk but that’s not what made me mad, or hurt, or whatever. It feels like a slap in my face that when i asked u a few weeks back if u believed in me and thought I could pay everything off and get my life back and you said yes. That made me feel a lot better and I started getting my act straight and saved more money than I had been and then u go find someone else to live with cuaz u didn’t think I would be here. So one u lied to me and two u stabbed me in the back. Im not sure why ur word mattered to much to me but thinking u thought I could do it made me feel better about it? Idk y I cared what u think, I don’t care what most people think. I miss watching indie movies, listening to music, getting coffee and have intelligent conversations, and how u could just make me smile for no fucking reason?? Well that’s all another void I have to fill.. haha most the voids people have left in my life have never been filled but I’ll put these at the top of the list.

After I got over the initial anger of the situation I wanted to call u but I always stopped myself, multiple times. Just try to push it to the back of my mind. I’m also bitter about the whole thing I suppose. Like yesterday after I got here u called liz and wanted to come to dinner with us. I sat there thinking that I wanted to see u and work everything out but then I just kept playing the same words over and over in my head and that was make u feel as bad as I do. That’s why I didn’t want u to come. I wanted u to hurt like I do every fucking day. Knowing that you have lost a friend that u cared about so much and just live with it. Im so fucking miserable at home. I miss my life, it’s not even mine anymore I just here for the ride. I guess I wanted u to be the stability I needed to get me back to reality. That’s not fair to u though just to pull u into all my shit, but then again I don’t care cauz I want u to be sad and alone. It’s such a paradox. Everyday I wake up and think what have I done to drive everyone away from me. I wish I knew what this was all like for u, I just wanted to talk but I guess that’s too much to ask. Maybe im just over analyzing this like everything else in my life. U probably just thought yeah this dude is a weirdo and hes holding me back so im going to make him feel like shit so I can go play sports and fuck bitches and be a bad ass.. The thing I really want is closure. To know what the hell happened and why this happened. This haunts me everyday. There is not a waking hour that goes by that I don’t think about it. I cant live like that anymore. God I cant believe im saying all this. It’s not a position I like to put myself into, u know unbarring ur soul or whatever. I don’t like giving people the power over me that I care about them. Im sure nobody has read all this or the person who most of this is directed too. I wish I could have talked to u tonight but u got super drunk? I mean I cant talk, Ive been snorting speed and smoking/drinking all day. The reason ive been fucked up all day is I was hoping I could talk to u and the drugs would loosen me up and I could be honest like I am now. But my back up plan was if u pissed me off or things didn’t go as I planned. (which they never do) I could get fucked up and forget about all this, which is what I did. Well that’s not all of it but it’s enough to get started with. If you (person who this is directed to) has actually read all this and want to work things out, or miss me, or understand where im coming from now, or just want to talk, or just let me know u care… Call this number and say macaroni, that’s it macaroni and hang up. That should be a good place to start. I know that sounds so ridiculous but im really fucking serious. Call and say it then hang up, then I will have some closure and then maybe we can work things out. Well the ball is in ur court, do as u wish but know that I tried.

(Note: This was written at 4:11 am after a long drug and alcohol binge so im sure I made a fool of myself, but at least I was being honest, I find myself playing a roll everyday and I tired of it, I want to be me again.)

So there isn't much to say, i guess i should get fucked up and right more or i should just keep more of my emotions inside.. what do u think?

The Girl Scout Camp was bad ass!

So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance
(In the distance)

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self-assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

The Tremors!!!!

So yeah we had an earthquake yesterday, woke my ass up at 4:30 am. Felt like a wrecking ball hit the house and shit was falling around but there was no damage. It's the talk of the town, it's kinda funny everyone is like "omg did u feel the earthquake" "where were u". It was like a 5.4 or something which is pretty strong i guess? idk i didnt pay attention in geology. One of the buildings i was working at yesterday had a big crack in the side that wasnt there the day before. It was a HUD HOPE IV project from like the 70's. On the news they said that the earthquake could of done damege to poorly built structures.. Yeah HUD!!!

Been gone since yesterday, Im not like you guys, Im not like you.

Life is is funny, just when u think things are really fucked up they get even weirder. I'm not even going to talk about the event in question but it still boggles my mind. Have u ever had a moment when u felt so dirty you took a shower? Not like physically dirty but .. u know dirty.. yeah that happened to me this afternoon. Just need to rinse the shame from my body.. not sure it worked. It's funny when u think u might have found the solution and it was nothing like what u were looking for. I think i get it now, but it still puts me back at square one.
So this weekend i paid another grand off my debt so i can go back to school. Made me feel a lot better. A friend of mine asked why do i care what people think about me so much and i dont think thats it. I want people to care about me? Idk i feel so alienated and just wish things could go back to normal. I wish i didnt have to move home. Oh and i almost got shot yesterday but thats a different story.

Your face is like a car wreck, i cant look away

Sooooooooooooooo here i am ... eating lunch at work and blogging.. thats so sad. Well without a computer i have to go somewhere right? I think my mother board went bad or something but i still need to find the time to take it apart and see whats up. Oh, and my car broke last night.. the fan belt kinda fell apart, the air compressor stopped working and the water pump got really hot and i haven't checked it again today. So i guess i need to get a new bus pass right? Things around here have been changing rather quickly also. I'm now spending most my nights out with people doing random bad things thats i shouldn't do but it helps with all the other weird shit going on right now.. that made no sense.. well not sure where things are going now but some things havent changed, i still push people away, i guess im never good enough for anyone.. oh well time to find more sedatives and get back to work.

It was 100 degrees as we sat beneath a willow tree
Whose tears didn't care, they just hung in the air
And refused to fall, to fall
I knew I'd made a horrible call
And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall
And there was no doubt about which side I was on

Because I built you a home in my heart
With rotten wood that decayed from the start

Because you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No, you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I braved treacherous streets
And kids strung out on homemade speed
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep
At all, woo hoo, woo hoo oo oo hoo
At night, the sun in retreat
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth
In the mouth of a man who was devouring us both
You're so cute when you're slurring your speech
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave

And you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No, you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I'm a war of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say

Because you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No, you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
There were churches, theme parks and malls
There was nothing there all along

So a fresh begining

I said a while back that i was going to delete my blog and after the drama from last night i thought now was a good time. So to all parties involved im sorry about last night. It's just been a weird few weeks. I'm alone at home, and i have to think about how im such a failure all the time. I just wish someone could understand, u can say that u do but i know u dont. I really want my mind to be clear. I think i just need someone to talk to, a real friend who won't judge me? So this weekend #2 u need to clear your bloody schedule I DONT CARE THAT U HAVE TO STUDY BMS.. ok yeah i do care lol. Well this is a new beginning so lets see where this one goes..

When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice
I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannont believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say